[Oh, his heart clenches and doesn't seem to beat again for another second or two. It resumes with a thud he feels right in his stomach.]
...
She's amazin' you know. Most intelligent person I know. Talks in words that seem to go on forever an' mean things with super exactness. Sometimes, I wondered what she saw in me. Heck, I tried to get some learning in me too t'keep up.
...
But she's also the dumbest fuckin' person I know too. Somehow. At the same time.
[ god, Brocade's endearing when he talks about her. always has been. he may be the most massive cat-person in Estoria, but with her? he's a tiny little puppy.
[ shudders, taking a few moments to chuckle it out ]
I know, I know. I just... I thought that, after that whole spiel about working as a team, after I went and sliced that girl's head off— I thought it was important to them, you know? And it was. It is.
But only when I do it.
When Azalea does whatever she wants, it's fine. When Thistle does it, it's fine. If I try to kill a guy I barely know to get back to someone from our own Family, if I'm already prepared to kill that guy, suddenly everyone's trying to lecture me about taking on too much of a burden or having too much to lose or being too soft or wanting to protect me when it's too fucking late, boss.
[ sorry, he needs a sec to just, cry. luckily all the easy target liquids are already scattered harmlessly across the floor ]
... You get it, right? It's too late. I don't need it anymore. I, I don't. . .
[It's a side of him he knew was there. There's no way not to have known. Have had it confirmed in a thousand little ways around the cafe, and a thousand more now that they're in danger.]
I get it. [Hand brushing over his hair, tone quiet.] ... I think there's plenty there.
But feelin' like you don't got a choice or a say... it's worse.
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[ god, why's his voice shaking, he thought he was over this ]
I couldn't convince them, boss. I decided, but I'm not... the Family, it's not just me, and I couldn't—
[ cuts himself off with a sob ]
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You did good.
Listenin' to everyone. Even if it's wrong. ... even when it hurts.
1/3
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he's not dealing with this ]
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Do you still love Azalea?
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I... aint never figured out how to love any less.
Where's that come from?
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She thought I had more to lose.
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...
She's amazin' you know. Most intelligent person I know. Talks in words that seem to go on forever an' mean things with super exactness. Sometimes, I wondered what she saw in me. Heck, I tried to get some learning in me too t'keep up.
...
But she's also the dumbest fuckin' person I know too. Somehow. At the same time.
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good for him. ]
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sinks into Brocade's arms and sighs ]
I'm so mad, boss. It's fucked up. You wanna know what really happened?
She agreed with me. She was the only one. She was going to look with me, I thought. As long as we could convince the others.
Then she decided to do it all by herself. Even though— I mean, there wasn't time. It was fine. She just wanted to protect us. Whatever.
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[So in the end, she took his choice.] Oh.
That fuckin' sucks.
1/3
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Sorry. This was a— I shouldn't have—
[ another slow exhale. ]
Fuck. Sorry.
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It aint yapping. It's drainin' out them wounds that don't leave scars.
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That's the corniest fucking thing you've ever said.
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[ shudders, taking a few moments to chuckle it out ]
I know, I know. I just... I thought that, after that whole spiel about working as a team, after I went and sliced that girl's head off— I thought it was important to them, you know? And it was. It is.
But only when I do it.
When Azalea does whatever she wants, it's fine. When Thistle does it, it's fine. If I try to kill a guy I barely know to get back to someone from our own Family, if I'm already prepared to kill that guy, suddenly everyone's trying to lecture me about taking on too much of a burden or having too much to lose or being too soft or wanting to protect me when it's too fucking late, boss.
[ sorry, he needs a sec to just, cry. luckily all the easy target liquids are already scattered harmlessly across the floor ]
... You get it, right? It's too late. I don't need it anymore. I, I don't. . .
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I get it. [Hand brushing over his hair, tone quiet.] ... I think there's plenty there.
But feelin' like you don't got a choice or a say... it's worse.
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It is?
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[ Simple and complete. ]
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What's wrong with me, boss? One bad performance. One bad performance and I'm already. . .
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I know shit just gets walked off in the movies. .. Wish I could do that too.
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1/2
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